i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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