Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
