I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
