Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize