So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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