I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
