Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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