The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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