Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
