Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
