from now on my penis is your penis
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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