i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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