could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
