Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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