I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
