Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
