yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I think my fart just growled at me.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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