Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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