Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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