I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize