I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
