Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
