the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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