I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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