I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
