I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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