life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
