You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
