Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
