You made me cry and you don't even care
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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