if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
