all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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