mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
