You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
