One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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