JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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