Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
