This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she told me i tasted like america
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
