i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
