Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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