My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
