did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize