fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize