i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
