final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
