I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I touched a dick in church today
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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