Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.Â
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm like, not good at living.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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