My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize