Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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