so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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