I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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