Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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