I wannas sexs uuuuu
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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