my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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