well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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