just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
