It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
