I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
