yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
sex in a hospital.. check
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
