Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
