The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
